my morning. (warning- scary creepy crawly involved)

alarm goes off at 5:30 am so i can get my ass to the gym. eff that shit, yo.

look at the clock again, crap, hafta be at work in 45 min. get outta bed and begin my routing...

tralala have cramps so bad i think something must be trying to claw its way out of my uterus (and yes, i sing tralala throughout my morning routing)

tralala oatmeal, ezekial bread, egg whites- hells no. going to dunks for breakfast. take my shower.

tralala so bloated nothing fits. cotton sundress it is.

tralala feed the moo (for those of you who don't know, that's my dog. his real name is patton. but i call him moo. because he is as big as a moo cow.)

tralala take moo out to do his biz.

this is where the singing stops. this is where i almost die.

to quote monique, what the shit is that shit?! i should have put something next to it so you could compare the size- i am looking at a ruler right now, the thing had to be 2 inches. IT HAS TEETHY BITERS. holy eff. needless to say, i chose not to go out that door.

i am not quite sure what i am going to if it is still there when i get home. i am thinking move out and just let it have the house.

cape cod crazies friday. leaving out the craigslist today.

so today i am changing things up a bit. because i am spontaneous like that, ya never really know what i am going to do...now i am on a horse.

instead of a craigslist crazy, i am going to share an actual crazy. comparable to people of walmart, this is people of the cod. (that sounds like it could be a horror movie...)
now, in all fairness to the cod, this was on memorial day weekend, so it is very possible she was a tourist.

what you can't see in this pic is her giant white sunglasses that matched the ensemble.

also, i have major sads because on father's day i saw a woman in a bikini, with a mesh body suit over it (and by body suit, i mean mesh from the ankles to the wrists) & big chunky heels and i didn't get a pic.

hot, right?

last night it was my turn.

my turn for car porn.

manfriend worked all night and day yesterday, so he only slept from like 4:30pm-9:30pm before he had to get up to go back to work. he was just out of bed, eating "dinner" (breakfast to him i guess), when i start freaking out & demand he immediately leave his food and come in the living room rightthissecondstatnow. i saw a car on tv. and i peed.

(via google)

2011 jeep grand cherokee. i know a few of my girls should enjoy this (or, like me, be saddened by it, because my jeep is not this bad ass).

and the saddest part is, as soon as i can afford it, there will be a newer and even more amazeballs one.

so there, now we are even. kind of.

what has this become? a car blog?! tomorrow will return to regular shenanigans.

sads.

favoritest bracelet ever, missing in action. i will be crying for a few days, so pardon any absence. on the plus side, they have lowered the price $20 since i got the first one.

(tyrant collection, 7 strand bracelet)

men don't get it.

so manfriend was enjoying some porn online this weekend- and by porn, i mean looking at porsches he can not afford. for like an hour. and he insisted that i "oooh" and "aaaah" over each one (we clearly live an exciting life, huh?). yeah, they are hot cars, sure. do i think he needs one? no. not at all. i mean, maybe when we retire and he needs some sort of mid life crisis toy to make him feel better about losing all his hair...but as he was trying to convince me how gorgeous these cars were, i was trying to explain to him that that's how i feel about shoes. he wouldn't even listen!  he insisted my shoe talk was ruining his car browsing experience.

i kept trying to tell him "but honey, a lot goes into designing a shoe, and the slightest thing, like changing the heel height or thickness can change the whole aesthetic of the shoe". he was completely tuning me out. why do i have to be subjected to his interests if he can't show some support of mine?

let's compare, shall we?

so you see, they are basically the same thing. duh, manfriend.

craigslist crazies. naked man ass edition. **warning- it's icky**

i don't even have much to say about this one. well, other than warning you that there is a man ass in it. and not hot, sexy, soccer playing man ass either.

**edit- i put a little more warning in the title because i don't want anyone to vom their lunch up...

remember that episode of friends with phoebe and the fire detector?

that was how i spent 1:15 am until about 2:15 am this morning. wandering around my house, searching for a non-existent fire.

also, awesome side effect....the incessant beeping upset patton so much he has a serious case of "loose stool" (is that less gross than diarrhea? whatever, polite isn't really my thing...) all morning.

on a more serious note, i am having a serious love affair with my new fitbit. it's the radness. although lazy jessalyn is a little pissed off about it, because guilty jessalyn is all "hey fatso, you have only taken 4,062 steps today and it is 7 pm. you get up off that couch and walk in place for 6,000 steps". true story. it also tells me how crappy i am at sleeping.

which brings me to my closing thought- i think i need a tempurpedic (mrs. cleanest- i already know you want one...), but anyone else have thoughts, opinions, experiences? i need some input from my bffffs before i go and let manfriend spend monies that would be better spent on sparkles....

just one of heather mcdonald's fave tweets....

no big deal....

she may not be following me (yet), but one of my tweets is one of her faves. i am pretty much dying right now.

y'all better be reading her book. i mean, seriously. it is hardcore types of wonderful amazement. let me put it his way...i haven't had a drink one night this week because i have been too busy reading heather's book. HEATHER'S BOOK IS MORE FUN THAN DRINKING. those are some serious allegations, folks.

here ya go, just click here.

it will be the best money you have evah spent. pinky swears.

who gets free money?

someone have a drum roll or something to make this exciting? no? ok, fine. pretend.

the wonderfully funny sara spelled without an H! which i am wicked excited about, because she likes the smoking baby. so maybe she will buy it. and send me pictures and updates on it's life, like those kids sally struthers always promised to send you pics of if you sent them cash monies.

i have to give katie of the katie chronicles a major shout out though. she was my 100th follower, she did like everything ever as far as entries were concerned, and she really wanted an ohio state university jersey for her dog just to annoy her fiance. i mean how great is that? (um also, she has recipes in her blog that i am certain will convince mafriend to get me the sparkles. if i can manage to not burn stuff...)

so if you haven't visited either of these lovely ladies for some weird reason, you should get on that.

also, if you didn't win mine, there is another ridiculously good giveaway going on over at my trifecta members place. miss (flash) pasteurized is giving away $40 to csn stores. QUICK HURRY GO!

wait. does this mean i need to lay off the ice cream and margaritas? crap.

i need to get skinny. this is serious folks. ok, i have until july 31st to get skinny. (sorry, i can't reveal what i need to get skinny for quite yet. but i will. eventually. but the point of this post is the skinnies, not the event.)

anyfatsos, i used to have the skinnies. i managed a weight loss center, and the magical side effect of that is you just disappear into nothing. because let's face it, who would take weight loss advice from a chubbo? (they closed all the centers though. apparently no one liked to take advice from them) but then i got injured, so gym and i broke up. and manfriend's dad was staying with us due to a messy divorce, and i was going through tax season, and i was like "hey cheeseburger, wanna make out? sure, bring your friends french fries, oreos and pizza, we'll have a gangbang". then i gained like 30 pounds. sads times a million.

(yes, i recycled this pic from a previous post. sorry. fatso jessalyn is lazy)

so, i am aiming for 15 lbs by july 31st. which seems reasonable. i'm not going to lie, i googled "ways to get skinny quick" and yahoo answers told me crack, which is tempting, but who has money for that?? and i am not interested in that lemonade, hot pepper diet thing. i embarrass myself enough without adding pooping my pants, thankyouverymuch.

also, my fitbit gets here like this week, so that'll be the radness.


that's all. i just needed to put into writing somewhere that i am setting a goal of 15 lbs by july 31st. i suck at sticking to things...well, except for not going to the gym and eating & drinking amazing things. i am great at sticking to that.

craigslist crazy friday. it makes me itchy.

we travel to boston's craigslist today. i ventured off the cod for some new material. not that the cod is getting boring or anything, just needed a change of pace.

i think this dude might need the gold johnson...

i swear, i am not avoiding the giveaway.

i just haven't had a chance to get myself to a rad store to pick out something that is the awesomeness & worthy of my blog besties. BUT, then i was g-chatting with surferwife, and she had a brilliant idea. do a giftcard that is emailable. GENIUS! my lazy ass doesn't even have to leave my desk for that!

so, seeing as i have all these rad new followers, i wanted to do something that anyone could like, because i am a people pleaser. duh.

so what better than an amazon gift card? i mean, you can buy anything from amazon. even this smoking baby.

actually, i would like to request the winner please buy this.

ok, so seeing as i am not made of money, and have a mortgage and stuff, it's going to be a $30 amazon giftcard. that leaves you like $25 after you buy the baby* (quite a steal at $4.94, dontchya think?!)

how to enter:

• leave a comment here telling me you want in
• every tweet is an extra entry, but make sure you include @jessalyn3 so i see it
• if you mention it in your blog, leave it in your comment that you did it, and i will give you two extra entries for the shout out.

i don't care if it's one comment telling me you did everything, or a million comments. whatever floats your boat. i'm not really into rules.

oh yeah, one rule- you have to be a follower. that's the whole reason i am having the giveaway....

i will pick a winner friday june 11th! word.

*kidding. you don't really have to buy the baby. i would just really like it.